alexveno

You're stressing me out. I try to help, but just screw up. Sorry im such a sucky daughter.

Im scared.
Im scared to be here.
Im scared to go downstairs.
Im scared to be the only one awake.
Im scared to look out my window.
Im scared that if that happened and we had no idea, what else can they get away with?

I know I talked about it a lot this week, but I think that for me, I needed to. I was having a real hard time. I scared myself and I couldnt sleep. All week, has been 4 hours maximum of sleep a night. Last night, I was up late, and was ready to go to bed, and I actually fell asleep. I was proud of myself that I was able to get over that. Now, here I am, starting over again. Im afraid I wont be able to fall asleep tonight, and that no one will be awake to comfort me. Im being a baby. I know I am. I feel trapped. I want help. I need help. I want somoeone to sleep in my room. I want to know that there is someone with me. I just want this to never have happened. I want it to go away.

I think I'm one of those people who just like the chase. Either that, or I'm one jealous bitch.

im seriously about to lose it. Im getting so stressed out. I hate cheerleading. I hate everyone pestering me about getting a job,  and drivers ed, and how I have to tell them every single fucking thing. The fact that they control when I do my homework, who the hell cares as long as its getting done! Leave me alone! Dont they get that I just need my time?! I want to cry right now. I dont want to talk to them! I dont want them to keep telling me off, and showing me up. I dont fucking care, just leave me alone!

:( I dont like this anymore.

You're being so annoying!

 

Stop pestering me about math! And stop talking shit about my mom! Just because you two dont get along, doesnt mean that youhave to bring me into it! Like, I love you both so much, so just dont say anything like that! She loves me, and we may fight a lot, but she's still my mom, and it really does hurt.

This is seriously, the most aggrivating thing, ever.
I give up.

because obviously trying is getting me nowhere.

My life is litterally falling apart. I guess most people would say I'm overreacting, but to me, its just a mess. Ive been so focused on schoool, so I can go to a good college, and Im losing control of everything else. I have SO much pressure put on me from my parents right now, to do well in school and get good grades. Ive been more stressed out this past month than ever. I forget at least one thing every single day. I lost my cheerleading jacket, I dropped my iphone in the toilet, and now im stuck with a shitty, half working, aggrivating piece of shit phone, that i dont even like to type one word answers on. I cant stand anyone anymore. I went from not seeing people, and "putting them on hold" if I needed to, to seeing them every, single, day. Its awful. Some are almost taking over my life. Legit, everywhere I turn, there they are, and i cant get away! Im getting no sleep at night, my parents have no sympathy, and all I want more than ever right now, is a vacation, I want to get away from people, get away from school, stress, and all the pressure. I want to get away from it all. I dont want to keep disappointing my parents everytime i come home with my progess report or report card. The most hurtful thing about that, Is im trying so friggen hard. Im going crazy to please them, and to do well. I want to make them proud. I want them to go to their friends, and be able to talk about me, and be proud.

I also want my dad back. He came back from Turkey thursday, I came here thursday night, was upstairs doing homework, then i had school the next morning, and of course, the boys had to come with us to drop me off. I can never just hang out with my dad, just me and him anymore. He promised me, we could take a ride into Boston just to pick something up from work, but I was so excited to finally, finally see my dad, one on one, yah know? Then he decides not to go cause "its more convenient to go at 7am", on his way to logan airport. So I can deal with this, atleast we stil get the carride home right? Wrong. Bobby has to friggen ask to go home with him. Yes, it's his dad too. Yes, maybe I am being selfish. But is it so hard to ask for some time with my dad, where we can just talk? I cant even talk to him about it either, it would make him upset, especially since he's leaving for Chicago tomorrow for two weeks. Im getting up to bring him, but why bother? Its not like it would make a difference if Im there or not. I mean, Bobby, Braeden, and Jake all have to go, cause God Forbid, they let Dad do anything on his own. So Im going to be shoved in the backseat of the smelly, dirty, van, to watch my dad leave. Again.

You know what the worst part of all this is?
I was crying the whole time.

People say they understand, but they dont. People say they agree, but that doesnt change anything.

Maybe Im overreacting, but I really, really dont like this. This always happens. i feel shut out, and not included.

:( OH YEAH, AND I DONT HAVE A FUCKING PHONE.

go me.